Tinder is pretty much like marmite, you either love it or you hate it (or both). It’s one of many dating apps, overrun by millennials and our ability to convince ourselves that maybe, just maybe, we can actually find ‘the one’. Or you know, the ones who are on the hunt, literally, to hook up with total strangers and experience either mind-blowing or utterly disappointing sex. There’s no judging here, you can go for whatever tickles your fancy, whatever rows your boat.
I’ve installed Tinder a few times, and been on quite a few dates, some of which made me want the ground to swallow me up whole. But then again, I guess it’s a part of the whole dating life experience. I’ve decided to compile a list of tinder do’s and don’ts, for those who are unable to recognise when they cross a line, and for those who are looking to up their online dating game.
Do with this what you wish.
Have a witty bio
Don’t be the person that uses their bio as an excuse to direct people to your instagram profile just because you want more followers. That’s kind of like going into McDonalds and ordering a bag of fruit – chances are you will be judged. Witty bios can showcase your type of personality and humour before a conversation is initiated, and if someone likes it and decides to swipe right, it increases your chances at a better first conversation.
I included in my bio something about tea, and how if you’re the type to put the tea bag in first with the milk, to swipe left. I won’t tolerate that kind of behaviour, and it provides a clear sign to the absolute wrong ones who in fact do, make tea like this. And because I’m too sarcastic for my own good.
I could have a whole conversation with someone based on gifs, and it’s known to some of my friends and family that I have an unhealthy obsession with them. I disagree, but apparently the folder I have on my work computer, which is full of a variety of gifs, says otherwise.
Gifs are a fun alternative if you’re bad at starting conversations. And apparently, they are 30% more likely to get you a reply.
When I had Tinder, being consistent was something I wasn’t very good at. It doesn’t just apply to Tinder, but to every other messaging platform there is. I will either respond to you within 5 minutes or 5 days. If you call me, there’s a 98% chance I will miss the call. This is partly because I always have my phone on silent, and because I sometimes do stare at my phone while someone is calling and choose to ignore it because that’s just who I am.
“I tell you what, I would not ring you if I had an emergency or if I was dying” – something that is said to me on the regular.
Anyway, consistency is nice. No one really wants to wait too long to get a message back, just like you don’t want to wait 5 hours for food when you’re starving and ready to go full Hulk mode. (It happens). Keep a conversation going, make sure you stay interested so they know you are interested. If it feels like you could have a better conversation with a dry slice of white bread, you should probably put an end to that one.
Don’t use your first message to ask for a***
A plain and simple no go. When I rejoined Tinder, the first message I got was from some white dude who, even though I barely spoke to him, seemed like he had the personality of a dead goldfish. And I mean no disrespect to goldfish anywhere, dead or alive. Anyway, all I got was “Anal?”.
At this point I willingly let me co-workers help with my profile, and they had too much fun producing a response that was, in my opinion, not far off comedy gold. It went something like this – “Tried it once with my 6ft marine ex boyfriend, never again. Have you ever tried to explain to a doctor how you slipped and fell on to a fire hydrant?”
Unless I specifically typed into my bio, that I wanted ****, try harder at an appropriate greeting that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against a wall, repeatedly. Thanks, and cheers! Not everyone will have the same response as I did, but it’s wise to be clear what you’re looking for.
Don’t ask interview type questions
Generally, you do want to get to know the person you’ve just matched with. And at some point, you will be sitting there staring at the message, wondering what to reply. So you have to call the Tinder avenge squad (aka your best friends) and collectively come up with a good enough message to send. Interview type questions are boring and make the conversation drag a bit. Instead you should rephrase questions to make them sound more tolerable. So, if you’re wanting to ask “what do you do for a living?”, you can use a few alternatives. What are you most passionate about? How do you spend your day?
Please, do not use low quality and shitty photos
This applies to your main photo especially! People want to know what you look like properly, without trying to decipher what the heck you look like through what we can only assume is the camera quality of a fucking Nokia. There’s a saying ‘a picture can speak a thousand words’ and this is very, very true. Keep this is mind when you’re choosing what photos to showcase on your profile, and if you need help, get a group of your friends together so they can help (and potentially take the piss at the same time).
According to a study, singles are most active on Sunday afternoons, so if you’re looking to score a date, Sunday could be your lucky day!